A few times a month I am awaken from a terrible dream. I use the word 'terrible' instead of 'nightmare' because nightmares tend to be far from any kind of reality for me. These dreams are fragments of memories I have tucked away. Terrible is how I would describe the feelings I have when I wake up, and the way I feel when I think about how real my experiences have been. These dreams haunt me throughout the day and fade as I walk through the threshold of my apartment at the end of my shift.

These dreams are always about the ex. The boy who stole innocence from me. The one who chewed me up and spit me out. The one who did nothing but abuse, degrade, and destroy my worth and self esteem.

When I tell my conversion story, I don't hide the fact that I was in an abusive relationship, however I don't say a whole lot. After all, when I talk about how I found the light I try to keep talk of darkness at a minimum.

Abuse takes many forms. A black eye and a few bruises are always the most obvious and the most open to discussion. Especially when options are given to those who are physically abused and need help. But, what about those who have emotional scars? What about those who are spiritually maimed? What do we have to say about those who stumble upon depression and PTSD because of the abuse that they experienced?

Well, I am going to talk about it for a second. Someone has to say something.

I am always faced with a choice in these dreams. Lately, the choice is as simple as this; Do I stay with my loving husband, or do I take one step backward into the out of control spiral that was my life. The "ex" is always begging for me to come back so he can make things right. Promising me that he has changed. Apologizing for the mess he made. If this happened to me while I was awake, I know which way I would go. However, when I am asleep, I believe what he says. As soon as I make the choice, I feel sick to my stomach. The mirrors hanging on the wall do not show my reflection when I gaze into them, as if all life has been sucked right out of me. I try to be stronger than the grip he has on my soul, but I can feel myself shrink down to nothing. The only way I survive this terrible dream is by making him my life support. Everything that makes me who I am has been sold to the devil. My signature is on the dotted line.

When I awake in the morning, I look in the mirror to find that I can see myself, unlike the mirrors in my dreams. When I see my reflection, I don't see what my sweet husband sees. I see what the enemy sees. I can even feel things he use to call me. Fat. Ugly. Worthless. Stupid. Gross. Useless, and I start my day wearing those titles as if they are written on my skin for the world to see. I spend hours doubting my ability to be successful on my own, because he had always convinced me that my life was nothing without him. What started off so wonderful turned into something dark and twisted. He pulled me in promising me protection, but like a wolf in sheep's clothing, gnawed at me until I was nothing but afraid and dependent. He was loud, like an unexpected explosion. He couldn't control his temper and it was much worse when he was under the influence. He was unpredictable; something I once found attractive.

The truth is, I was never safe. I was never happy. I was never "in love". My choices were made for me. I couldn't have a hair cut or pick an outfit without his authorization. It got so bad that I had no idea who I was when he wasn't around. I found myself defending him when other people were caught up in his wrath. It was equally dangerous for someone to try and convince me to leave, as it was for me to stay. I made the choice to let him be the ruler and me the slave. He had taken so much from me. I became addicted. I needed rehab. I needed a way out. The only safe haven for me was prayer. God couldn't change my mind nor would he ever force his way in, but he was always there. Always listening. He was making an escape plan, waiting for me to be brave enough to step out of the darkness and fight.

I still suffer from the internal damage that has been done. However what would be the point of this story if there wasn't a happy ending?

The good Lord knew that I needed to find someone who would help me rehabilitate. He brought me to the knowledge that Christ had suffered for my suffering, and could rescue me from the pain. God brought me the gospel in full force when I was ready to move on and find myself again. After a few years of being single and letting my troubled heart heal, he brought me Isaac.

Isaac came with promises that had substance. He promises me love and follows through. He earned my trust, and with that, has worked side by side with the Lord to help me see myself as I am meant to be seen. I am reminded that I am EVERYTHING. I am a Daughter of God. I am Beautiful. Intelligent. Successful. Strong. Capable of amounting to amazing things. I have found safety in the Lord and in the husband He has blessed me with.

I know my experience has taught me a worth while lesson. I understand the pain and damage that is hidden under a smile. I am here to tell you that your experience is no less real than a punch in the face. I am here to tell you that there is good. There is safety and peace. There is hope for those who feel that all is lost. I will always have a ding in my armor, but it is possible to remember and still move forward. You can find happiness, I promise.

:::  Here are a couple links I found that could be helpful to you or someone you know. Please do not be still. Do not be silent. Reach out and find the happiness you deserve!

Warning signs and Red Flags of Abuse

Crisis Text Line- If you need to talk

Mind for a Mop-The Dilemma of being a Stay at Home Mom

I have a previous post about my opinions of women and their current role in our society, and that post was more of a soap box rant than anything... If you would like to read it, you can view it here:
Marriage and Babies- Is this really all I am worth?


In class this week we discussed a few things. Finances, tithing, mother and fathers roles with their children.... but perhaps the most important thing we discussed was the choice women all over America are making every day; Do I, or don't I, be a stay at home mother?

Studies have concluded that the impact in the home is negative when the mother has to work. Most of that toll comes because there is already financial woes and stress in the home and the mother has to work in order to work in order to maintain their lifestyle. The Family a Proclamation to the World makes it pretty clear that a mothers job is to nurture and love. We are taught that the wife holds the responsibility of providing a home where the Spirit can dwell, and the gospel can be taught. It is the Fathers job to provide, put the food on the table so to speak. Both husband and wife are still (or they should be) an equal partnership. Both providing natural love and affection towards each other and their children, as well as making sure that the home is temporally and spiritually in tact. We are taught to get an education, gain as much knowledge as possible. After all, our families and our knowledge come with us into the next life, don't they?

Someone might be asking, "So what is the big deal about being a stay at home mom then? Why wouldn't you want to be at home with your family?"

Unfortunately, it is not always that simple. At least it doesn't feel that simple to me. I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother. In fact, I am sure that there is nothing in this world more important to me that achieving those two things. The churches teachings about the family is a part of the reason I was so drawn to it to begin with! Along with my desire to be a wife and a mother, I have gained a desire to have the opportunity to watch my children grow. I don't want a baby sitter being the one to see their first steps, or see them loose their first tooth. I want to be with my children. In conjunction with my husband I want to be the one to raise them, teach them what is right and true, and develop close family ties; ties I never had growing up.

I also love to learn. School has been a wild ride for me, and has been a healthy expression of my intellect and ability to put my intelligence to some good use. Not only do I intend to graduate and receive a bachelors degree, but there is a possibility I will want to go even further and receive my masters... there is nothing wrong with that.

What do I do when I get married and begin to have children? Do I put school on hold? Do I drop out all together? That doesn't seem like something I want to do... Maybe I should press through, continue to do what I do and learn to balance home life and my school. Oh but wait! Ill be newly married! I am young! Do I quit my job? Take a few hours off my work week? Or do I keep doing what I am doing?
Of course this is a matter to be discussed with my husband and taken to the Lord in fervent prayer. As a matter of fact, my professor has suggested that these questions should be discussed even in courtship with my significant other-these questions and concerns are that big of a deal.

Every circumstance is different. The Family a Proclamation to the World has told us that as a family we may have to adjust in order to fufill our shared responsibilities as a family if the circumstance requires it. What if the husband looses his job? Gets injured? What if you get divorced? What if something happens... what do you do? How do you prepare?

When I imagine myself in this position I cant help but to feel the extreme importance of receiving my own education- at the very least in order to give me something to fall back on in an emergency situation. Then I think about the money I am spending in order to achieve this degree, and I think to myself, "boy what a waste it would be if I didn't graduate and move toward a career of some sort..." No one ever regrets not working more in their life, but they always wish they could have spent more time with their family. But... does that mean that I should stop dead in my tracks when I start my family? How can I be sure that I am really doing what is best for them?

I am hoping to be the kind of mother that will make whatever sacrifice is necessary to provide love, support, and whatever else they stand in need of, to my family. We are all aware that being a parent is all about sacrifice. So is marriage. Lots of things in this life require sacrifice of some form. I am a selfish person, and being a parent will probably root a lot of that selfishness right out of me... but is it so wrong to want to continue my education? Pursue a career? Want to work, at least a little bit?
At this moment in my life I feel pretty grateful I don't have to make that choice right now. My mom worked when I was growing up, but never once did I feel neglected, or ignored. I learned how to read at an early age. I can write, spell, tie my shoes, and lo and behold, I am a decent adult today! Would I be incredibky different if she ws able to stay at home with me full time? Its possible, but I turned out just fine if you ask me!

The independent women inside of me feels like I would be trading my mind for a mop the moment I decided to not work at all. I know that is not true though, being a stay at home mom is busy! It absolutely is a full time job and then some, and those kids are blessed and happy! At the same time though, I know those women crave something else sometimes. Perhaps more adult conversation, a way to serve, or at least a shower that isn't interrupted! Would it be so terrible for their sanity if they took some online classes, did a service project, or worked a few hours a week? Would it really break down their marriage and their childrens understanding of stability and security? I don't know...

To all of you mothers out there, single or married, I applaud you. Being a mother is the highest and most important calling there is and ever will be! You do so much and often lack the appreciation you deserve. You are in my prayers. If you are faced with this choice to stay at home, or to not, I want you to know that you DO get a say in the matter, and the Lord will not misguide you and your husband if you council with Him together. If you have to work, due to whatever unfortunate circumstance, again, you are in my prayers. You are doing what youre supposed to do-provide all you can for your family. If you are spent, worn out, exhausted and confsed, remember that family life is eternal life. You may not have the ideal situation. Seldom are we that lucky. Trials in life come to teach us, and help us grow. I know I am growing and learning much more than I anticipated and I am not yet a wife or a mother. Think of the eternal consequences-and I am talking about the good happy ones!

No matter your choice, no matter your circumstance, know one thing. If you choose to stay at home, that doesn't make you any less of a woman. That does not rid you of your intelligence and capability to make a difference in your community, or even the world. If you choose to get an education and work, that does not make you a bad wife and mother. That does not rob you of the divine blessing and honor of motherhood, or make you any less deserving of such a wonderful thing.

You are important. You have a say. You have a choice.
Just remember that